my entire life i have seen people die we all have from a very early age i have become accustomed to it from friends who made poor choices with drug overdoses, to drinking and driving to gang violence they have met their fate i have seen people gunned down for a pair of air jordans, run over with cars over disputes, stabbed to death for disrespecting someone,
i have seen the horrors of war people getting blown up by improvised explosive devices, assassinated by insurgents, even burned to death by flaming fuel cause they could not escape their vehicles after the explosions.
i have taken the lives of many men in combat who were trying to take mine the faces you never forget you always see them in your dreams, the way a body falls lifeless from being alive is a site like none other its almost as if you can see the soul escape in a brief second it is not a site i enjoyed watching, i have had to deal with the aftermath of car bombings that killed an excess of 110 people that threw body parts 100 yards in every direction what wasnt strewn about was incinerated in the blast.
i have seen family come and go and buried my mother on my 18th birthday after watching her struggle for many years of horrible strokes and childhood diabetes.
again i prepare myself to see death again, my father as most know has been very ill, he has been fighting the good fight but there have been several horrible turns in fate i went from providig in home care myself to having to put him into 24 hour round the clock care just before i put him in he was able to walk very short distances was fiesty as hell and had a strong will to go on,
somehow he fell out of bed at the care center and it sent the cancer spreading through his spine, the treatments no longer worked he started to slip and degrade fast.
i try and see him everyday but it is so hard to watch someone fade away so fast cancer is a terrible way to die, within a period of a month he went from talking walking eating and full of life, to a shell of a man he is not responsive he can not communicate he doesnt eat, drink, or even open his eyes he is dying its almost as the body is shut down but the brain hasnt caught up yet.
i have made my peace with him the best i could, i will continue to talk to him by hs side i dont know if he even knows in there but it doesnt matter to me.
the situation is wearing on my heart and my soul, and as cruel as this may sound i hope he goes into deaths arms sooner than later, he doesnt look in pain and the staff is making him as comfortable as possible but i just dont want him to suffer any longer from all the deaths i have seen quick and painless is always best.
and i know my father would want to go quick preferably in his sleep.
it is a horrible thing to watch a loved one suffer but in reality its in gods hands and not mine.
i dread waking up in the mornings now cause i know i am going to get the message of his passing but i think i have come to terms with this.
and one of the duties i am dreading is telling my grandmother the news.
it is going to be extremely hard cause her only daughter my mother is gone my grandmothers husband died in the 80's and now her son in law will be passing, and to make it worse my grandmothers sister just had a stroke.
no parent should ever outlive their child but to outlive their child husband and son in law is beyond comprehension.
i wonder if my father never picked up a cigarette if all this would be happening today, yet the ironic part is that i continue to smoke even though this should be a wake up call to me i cant quit, maybe the day i have to bury my father will be the day i wake the fuck up and stop.
this is going to be a hard week for my family but hopefully we all can stop the fighting and arguing and shit talking and come together because times like this is when family and friends count the most.
if i can find any pictures of my dad ill post them soon, he was an interesting man and despite how fucked up some people may think i am he did instill some good values in me and the legacy of a father and mother is continued by their children.
even though he adopted me he was my father and he was a good man and i will miss him dearly.
now i have to brace myself for whats coming cause its coming fast
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